21 Things I would do if I was an evil SharePoint overlord!

1. All site collections will be deployed with site collection quotas allowing only 1 sandbox resource point
2. The Site collection storage limit warning will be set at 1mb for My Sites with the entire company set as the warning email address
3. I will insist that all site collections are created with their own host name URL. This will force any BI tools to require new SPNs for Kerberos configuration
4. Ideally, each of these sites will have their own Web Application, and their own application pool, which will force them to buy new servers so keeping within the "10 application pools per server" guidelines which I will give them
5. Every web application will have a custom service connection proxy group, so every time a new service application is created they will have to manually add it to each web application's custom proxy group
6. All databases will be created through Powershell by concatenating random GUIDS (in addition to the ones SharePoint creates automatically)
7. While developing, all of my API classes will be public with internal constructors
8. All default site content will be deployed using HTML encoded XML, with multiple unecessary nested divs and empty spans.
9. Feature Stapling will be banned .. as will Content Types
10. I will configure all Diagnostics Log categories to "Verbose", disable flood protection and only keep log files for 1 day, making it a painful and arduous task to troubleshoot issues.
11. Each SharePoint server will install to a non-default directory. This will be different for each server to keep the admin team on their toes.
12. I will include a script which adds expiration policies to the "Document" content type in each site collection .. this will bombard the author with emails if they don't update their documents every 2 weeks, therefore keeping the content fresh
13. SharePoint Designer will be unblocked, and its usage will be encouraged!
14. The User Profile database will be configured to crawl every 2 minutes .. keeping the process continually running so no-one can modify the connections
15. For contrast, the default Search content source will only index User Profile content every 56 hours .. so no-one can be exactly sure when it will be updated
16. Each web application will be given different URLs for each department. IIS bindings will be put in place, but no alternate access mappings so they cannot share links or embedded urls with each other.
17. The default zone will be set as Read Only via a policy so that items found in search results cannot be edited. there will be an alternate URL, but access mappings won't exist so users will have to swap it out manually
18. The reply-to email address for all notificatiosn will be set as the company switchboard.
19. All custom web parts will, where possible, be deployed as Farm Features .. so that everyone can see them, but will only be configured to work on specific sites.
20. We will not have specific servers .. all farm servers will run all of the services. I will convince the IT team that this makes their lives easier as they only need 1 server spec when buying new machines.
21. I will set the qouta of the my site host to 10MB so that only the first few users will be able to upload their profile picture.

Suggestions are welcome in the comments :)